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SELF SERVING Great Apes: Planet Of The Humans By Will Self Bloomsbury Press, London, 1997 Reviewed by Rick McGrath We're cautioned at the beginning of this cautionary tale that what we read will be a fiction, a "satirical trope" - or, as our ape hero admits, "It's an image". And what an image it is - 400 pages of Planet Of The Humans as Simon (Simian) Dykes, successful painter, drugger, fucker and bon vivant awakes one morning to find himself, his girl - the whole blinking universe - changed into chimps. It's like Franz Kafka metamorphosing into Jane Goodall into Roddy (rest in peace) McDowell. So the obvious stage is set for a slam-bang satire on humanity that often reads like a very long chapter of Gulliver's Travels (unexpurgated). Often, your interest is simply kept alive by Self's deep research into chimp behaviour (extravagant pecking-order rituals and constant, inter-familial (and every chimp else) sex).  God is in the details, and this is heaven. Chimps don't really talk; they sign. So every time Self would write "say" or "said" or suchlike, it's sign...like "they fell signlent" - quiet...or  hilarious, one of the hero chimp's kids has an Oasis poster on his bedroom wall. Prominent is the Gallagher brother with the connected eyebrows...as a chimp, of course. Everybody in the human  world exists in the same state as a chimp, including Dyke's rouge psychiatrist, Zack Busner, whom we're already met as one of the leading lights in The Quantity Theory Of Insanity. In fact, many of Self's prior characters make fleeting appearances in this novel. What makes this book compelling is the extraordinary depths to which the humanomorphic conceit is taken. Sadly, it's also the element which tends to bog down the story, as our chimp/artist struggles to come to grips with his chimpness, given the overwhelming external evidence and the deep conviction that he is really human and this will, like some bad dream, all go away with the snap of a magician's finger. Cool bits: the chimps visit wild humans in a zoo....incredible scenes of frenzied, furry fucking...descriptions of the smaller interiors of existing buildings, complete with hand-holds for easy swinging from room to room...the treatment of underlings by the alpha chimp...the stupidity of the human costumes worn by chimp actors in the Planet of the Humans movies... Don't like? A pretty contrived ending which takes place in Africa, where wild humans are being protected by a German chimpess. It turns out Sykes has "adopted" a human boy living in the wild and, as a last chance at regaining his humanity, travels there to meet the lad, who turns out to be as lethargo as his zoo-bound comrades. It's weak because it only serves to set up an ending for a story which Self must have wondered - will this ever end? - as the real ending is in itself a satire on the genre: the "satirical trope" which reveals...ah, but why give it away. A fun, if longish read. The perfect antidote to Tarzan. And Self at his most serving. MORE REVIEWS Movies: Jack Hill - Pit Stop Jack Hill - Spider Baby Sam Fuller - Shock Corridor Curtis Harrington - Night Tide Jack Hill - Switchblade Sisters Jack Hill - The Swinging Cheerleaders Sam Fuller - Meanest Men In The West Robert Frank - Rolling Stones' Cocksucker Blues Maysles Brothers - Rolling Stones' Gimme Shelter Various Shorts - Franz Kafka's It's A Wonderful Life Jason and Brett Butler - Alive & Lubricated and Bums Robert Fantinatto - Echoes of Forgotten Places Television: Patrick McGoohan - The Prisoner Features: Bohren und der Club of Gore - Drilling For Doom. And Finding It. Bohren und der Club of Gore - Geisterfaust. Not Your Average Ghost Story These Boots Were Made For Burnin' - The Bootleg Collector's Obsession Music Concert DVD: Sheryl Crow - Rockin The Globe Live Steely Dan - Two Against Nature Music CD: Sade - Lovers Live Sade - Lovers Rock Sade - The Best Of Sade Phil Manzanera - Vozero Roger Waters - In The Flesh Steely Dan - Two Against Nature Lamya - Learning From Falling Shania Twain - Up! Books: Will Self - Grey Area Will Self - My Idea of Fun Will Self - Great Apes Will Self - Junk Mail JG Ballard - High-Rise Gregory Benford - Cosm Douglas Coupland - Girlfriend in a Coma Will Self - The Quantity Theory of Insanity Will Self - Tough Tough Toys For Tough Tough Boys